When I got my second divorce, it wasn’t that hard to walk away. After all, we didn’t have children, so there wasn’t that much to walk away from. All I wanted to do was heal.
I went into my second marriage too fast. I thought I had chosen someone who was vastly different from my first husband. What I learned from the experience though is that when we don’t give ourselves enough time to heal, or we don’t change what caused the relationship to fail, we will continue to make the same mistakes over and over.
I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional home. I’m sure many of us did. In a situation like that, it’s not that hard to learn the wrong things to do when it comes to relationships. In my case, my self esteem took a pretty hard beating, and self esteem can be a major issue in any relationship.
Without good self esteem and valuing ourselves, we tend to choose the wrong people to get involved with. Changing the people we’re involved with isn’t enough though. It’s important for us to change who we are by getting rid of who we are not.
It’s not really about changing who we are either. At our core, I believe most people are good people. At our core we’re all good, and it’s our best selves. Becoming who we really are in life really isn’t about becoming anything. It usually means getting rid of all the things we’re not so we unveil who we are. Healing all those hurts and the pain from the past.
So what’s the answer?
- Heal from the relationship. Give yourself time. I didn’t give myself enough time between my first and second marriages. I didn’t learn what I needed to know about relationships, and I certainly didn’t heal all the pain and hurt I had from the past. When you allow yourself to heal, then you allow yourself the time to see things more clearly. When you can see things clearly, then you can make better choices.
- Look at your self esteem issues. We attract what we are. When we’re hurt, we tend to attract hurt people. It’s not really about changing who you are. It’s about getting rid of those feelings, emotions and beliefs that led you to choose the particular person you chose as a mate.
- Have a plan for what you will do when your divorce is over. If you have children, then is a little easier because then you can focus on them. Spend time with them. It’s also important to develop some hobbies. Have interests of your own too. The biggest mistake I made was building my world around my children. I love my children, and they’re wonderful. I needed some outside hobbies and friends too. Once the kids are gone, you’ll want to have other interests in your life as well as friends.
- If you don’t have kids, then you can spend your time with friends as well as develop new hobbies. What’s important in either case is to heal. Don’t focus on the relationship.
The most important thing I learned in my situation is that I wanted a relationship. I wanted to be loved. It’s something that we all want deep inside. I realize now that I gave up on relationships for a long time. Others pick up on that. When we give up on relationships, it blinds us to new relationships. No one wants to get hurt again. The key is to heal, learn from our mistakes and then when we’re ready, then we can start thinking about relationships. Solid self esteem will also help us to attract the love we truly desire.
Remember, we attract what WE are. If you want to attract great dates and then ultimately that relationship, then it’s necessary to focus on getting rid of things that keep us from having successful relationships. The truth is that about only 10 percent will take this advice to heart. Most will keep doing the same thing over and over, and then when it doesn’t work out, they’ll wonder why their relationships don’t work out.
To help you get started, I have a free report for you:
For women – How to Get a Man to Love You